“God on Mute” by Pete Greig, https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLP4XCYUpp8ei-WZuBHN43AY49oKdPJnHy
This video Prayer Course on YouTube has hit home. Why? Because right now He is on “radio silence”. Nothing, nada, not a peep! It is as if someone hit the mute icon on my phone and I have received no incoming calls, text messages, or alerts!!!
I have questions! Lots of questions and zero answers for myself or those I love. Have you ever been to this place of The Sound of Silence? (Thank you, Simon and Garfunkel)
For the past nearly six years, this blog has had at least three posts every week. We have been more vulnerable than is comfortable. More honest than we thought possible. But the last three weeks, this writer has had nothing to share.
God on Mute
Image by Graphic Art Sangla from Pixabay
So, my truth today is: I have nothing to share. No insight of my own. No startling revelations to expound upon. Why? Because the radar tower is down. No communication can be received. I have had my ear to the ground, in the seashell, and tilted toward heaven.
What Do You Want?
Yet, the only thing I even think I hear is: “What do you want?”
Don’t Ask
The answer? I do not know. Or, I know but dare not say it aloud because to let it out is to open a dam of emotions I do not want to expose. I was asked this past week if I “ever regretted moving” to my new location and before I even thought, the truth came pouring out of me like a cataract of water from a geyser. The person who asked was SHOCKED! She was not expecting this. Then, there was pity. I wasn’t asking for pity. I was answering her question! Don’t ask if you don’t want to really listen to the answer.
Signs
Sunday’s sermon was Comfortability vs Calling. A prayer chain scripture: When my soul fainted within me, I remembered the Lord; And my prayer went up to You, into Your holy temple, Jonah 2:7. The other prayer circle morning word: I poured out my heart, baring my soul to God. Daniel 9:3.
Why pour out my heart if I get no response??? How can I be any more uncomfortable? Don’t answer that!
Fear and Silence
Is God on mute because I cannot bring myself to ask Him for what I need? Want? Am I afraid? The cold hard truth is YES, I AM AFRAID!
My closest friends will tell you I’m not afraid of much, but what they will tell you is I am afraid of me.
Swim Therapy
The other day, I dove headfirst into the cool deep water of the swimming pool and did something I have not done in a very long time. I beat my frustrations out in the pool by stroking 100 yards at a time until I was exhausted. Pull, breathe, kick, glide. Pick an apple, put it in the basket. Stroke 1-2-3-4-breathe, stroke 1-2-3-4, breathe. The water wrapped me in soft, cool, liquid comfort. It is my happy place. Blowing bubbles, in a sweet rhythm like a porpoise gliding through deep water.
Photo by form PxHere
Memories
I recalled all the ones I have taught to swim, snorkel, dance in the water, and save lives by careful oversight. This is me! It felt so good, I cried. Yes, you can cry while you swim, you can scream underwater; you can pray and worship in the depths of the sea. It is silent on the bottom except for the sound of your own bubbles.
In the Prayer Course I, session 5, we are reminded that God was silent as Jesus prayed in Gethsemane. Jesus was afraid!!!! And His Father was silent. Silent! Silent to the Son of God! Three long days and nights. Jesus wrestled with God. Wow! I am in great company!
I am wrestling with the silence. Wrestling with what to do now? Wrestling with myself. Asking the hard questions and S-I-L-E-N-C-E!
Giving It Up
Are you in this same hard place? Relinquishment is a struggle. Being honest and vulnerable is excruciating. Living in a glass house easily broken by thrown stones is hurtful. To silence the silence I have turned on the TV and binged watched just to stop thinking. I lived vicariously through characters to feel alive again for the span of an hour……..
Today, I realize God has been speaking, but not in a way I am “used” too. He is signing for me. He is using sign language of His own. Dropping gentle reminders of His manifest Presence in everything. He asked me a question. God is awaiting my answer……..He is waiting for me to open my hands and heart to receive…………
To do this, I must believe it is good! In this life you will have trouble! Can I believe even heartbreak is good? Jesus did. His Father’s silence broke His heart. And because He did believe it was good, I am saved!
Pete Greig said, “to wrestle is not a lack of faith, but is a beautiful picture of the faith Full!” Grab hold of Him and do not let go until He blesses you! (Genesis 32:24-32) Job wrestled, Paul wrestled, Jacob wrestled. If you are wrestling, you are in outstanding company.
